Impossible (I Am Not A Coward)
by ScarletGoldmist
Summary: Dares. If James T. Kirk had a weak spot, it was dares, and the fact that he could never turn one down. (T for Tarsus IV, some language, and implied torture)


**A/N: Well, I've been a Trekkie forever (grew up on the stuff) and I love both TOS and the Rebooot series, but I think this one is easier to write for. This is my first actual work in this fandom, so I hope you like it and it doesn't suck!**

* * *

><p>Dares.<p>

If James T. Kirk had a weak spot, it was dares.

* * *

><p>The first time he takes a dare, he is four. Sam dares him to ask Winona (she hadn't been <em>mom<em> to either of them since Jimmy was old enough to walk—even though she'd told George _he was beautiful_) why she hates them so much that she wants to marry Frank.

It may take the nine year old Sam a considerable amount of time to figure out how to explain the concept of dares to the even smaller Jimmy, but it's worth it to see the toddler nod determinedly and trot off. _"It means that if you don't do what the person dares you, you're a coward, Jimmy. Kirks are not cowards." _

Even at four, Jimmy knows what _coward_ means, and he knows he will never be one. (_Nothing is worth that. Nothing at all._)

Their mother, of course gets angry and tells Jimmy that she doesn't hate them, and marrying Frank is _for their own good_. He has never heard that phrase before, but he'll grow to hate it.

_Jim Kirk was four years old, and his first dare resulted in nothing more than an angry mother (but she wasn't much of one, anyway)._

* * *

><p>By the time he's six, he has taken up on two more dares. Then Stephen, the neighbor's boy (who is a year older and full of malice at the little kid who is smarter than most high schoolers) dares Jimmy to climb up the tallest tree in Riverside, Iowa.<p>

Jimmy has never forgotten his older brother's voice telling him that refusing a dare was being a coward. And Kirks are not cowards. Jimmy makes it thirteen branches up before he looks down. Luckily, he isn't, and never will be, afraid of heights.

The sight of Stephen yelling at him from below, telling him he couldn't make it, _come down, Jimmy, I didn't think you'd actually do it_, only makes him climb higher.

Even at six, there are no limits for him. (_Impossible? I don't know that word._)

He gets to the top, and then makes it almost all the way down before the wind picks up just a bit too much, and he falls out of the tree eleven feet in the air. Stephen will later tell that story and say that he has never seen anyone with a broken arm be so calm about it.

_When Jim Kirk was six years old, and doing his fourth dare, he broke his arm (for the first time; he'd never had a broken bone before), and later Frank yelled at him for being so stupid; but Sam smiled at him and that made it worth it._

* * *

><p>Five years and countless dares later—he lost track of how many somewhere in the middle—Jim is eleven, and Sam hasn't been around to smile for almost a year. (When Sam leaves, it becomes Jim, not Jimmy anymore.) Of course, with Sam gone, Jim is established as Frank's new punching bag every time he gets too drunk.<p>

He can't blame Sam if he tries, but Sam was the same one who'd told him _Kirks are not cowards_. So even if Jim doesn't blame him, he must be a coward. Jim is not a coward.

Broken bones are small talk, now, with all the trouble he gets into.

If only he could get away from here, Jim is sure it'd be better. But no matter if he's graduated high school already, and is speed-working through college, he's only eleven. Winona is almost always off planet—she doesn't even know that Sam is gone, disappeared off into the world, unless Frank told her; which seems unlikely.

And then Frank tells him that he's selling the car. George Kirk's car. _The_ car. The look in Frank's eyes…well, maybe he doesn't say it out loud, but Jim would not refuse a dare. _I dare you to try and do something about it._

Even at eleven, Jim can see a dare in a man's eyes. The car goes off a cliff, and Jim almost does, too. (_"My name is James Tiberius Kirk!"_)

_Jim Kirk was eleven years old, and he almost died for the first time (oh, it was the first of many—he'd lose track of those, too), but he didn't _quite_ die, even though he had to sit in Juvie for most of a month. _

* * *

><p>He visits that place more often than any kid his age should over the next two years, up until he is thirteen. Jim knows all the security guards' names, and waves with cuffed hands as he passes them for the second time that month. He finishes online college, and has no aim in life except to never turn down a dare.<p>

Then the foot comes down. Winona arrives home to find Sam gone with not so much as a note, Frank just a bit drunk on the couch, and Jim in Juvie Hall wearing the look of a practiced, mischievous troublemaker.

She takes not as much as a glance at his college graduation certificate before she ships him off to his aunt and uncle on Tarsus IV. Not wanting to be seen as George Kirk's son (_"Jim, he was a Federation hero!" "But he's dead, so it doesn't matter!"_), he is a new person called JT. It stands for James Tiberius, of course, but only his aunt, uncle, and two cousins know his real name, and they, too, call him JT.

He is a genius in a sea of farmers, and another one stands out. His name is Tom Leighton, and he is almost as smart as JT. When JT says as much, Tom looks into the younger boy's startling blue eyes, and dares him to prove it in the tone of voice that says he is impressed with JT's nerve.

JT does, of course. They become friends, and for JT, it is a novel experience. He likes having a friend, and Tom is _almost_ as smart as him, even though he's older. _"Prove it. Go on, I dare you."_

Even at thirteen, he really is a genius, and he's never had a better time in his life, short and filled with tragedy as it is. (_Oh, it's about to get a whole lot more tragic._)

_Jim Kirk is thirteen years old and the result of a dare is that he makes a friend, but it only takes a year of being happy before everything goes to hell._

* * *

><p>JT is only a week away from being fourteen and is practically a legend in the colony for never turning down a dare when <em>he finds it<em>.

Governor Kodos has been having him up to the palace regularly for tea and lessons in how to run a colony. An old, amazing woman named Hoshi Sato is teaching JT languages, and now he's fluent in Vulcan, Andorian, Russian, and Romulan, and they're working on Klingon, not to mention the five others he already knew.

JT and Tom are studying how the native plants on Tarsus differ from those transplanted from Earth or other planets. When Tom notices the fungus, JT is the perfect person to tell the governor about how it is slowly killing off all the crops, and when he does, Kodos smiles. He tells JT that it will be taken care of. JT believes him. (_He won't trust anyone the same way he used to for years and years._)

It takes a few weeks for the two to realize that whatever Kodos is doing _isn't working_. People are starting to go hungry. JT starts to snoop around, pretending that everything is normal. And it is a week before his birthday that he finds the list.

JT does not know what it is until it is too late, but he memorizes the list, every colonist's name and number—every single one. At the time, he thinks it might be important. He will never forget a single one of those names.

The colonists stand in the square, and JT figures it out before Kodos even gives the signal to fire. He remembers that his name is on the second half of the list, and he realizes that it is not because he is worthless (_but he is; if only he had figured it out before_) but because he knows too much.

The guards start shooting into the crowd, and JT takes it as a dare. Kodos' dare. _I dare you to survive._ Oh, he will do more than just survive. Kirks are not cowards, and neither is JT_._

He helps as many as he can survive. They are all kids. Tom is the oldest, at sixteen, and Kev the youngest, at seven. He has to run carrying Kev on his back for eight miles once to get away from the guards, but it is always worth it. (_Years later,_ _people at the Academy will wonder how on earth Jim Kirk can run for so long so easily: it's unnatural, they say. He agrees._)

JT kills men. Yes, it's in self-defense, in defense of _his kids_, but that doesn't change that _he kills them_. Eventually, the hunger chases away the nightmares.

He scrounges for food for them, and med-kits, and he tries _so_ hard, but he knows that if they live, Tom will always have a scar from the burn on his face, and that they are all so thin that it'll take months for them to even _look_ normal again. They will never truly _be_ normal again.

Even at fourteen, JT is able to defy the odds, and cheat death. (_But sometimes life doesn't feel much like living, oh, he knows _that_ at least._)

_I dare you to survive. _Somewhere in the middle of the worst time in his life to date, JT remembers how much he hates the phrase_ 'it's for your own good.'_

JT is captured near the end of Kodos' rule, while he holds off twenty guards so his kids can escape; where they will go, he doesn't know. It's better that way. Through the pain and the haze, he takes pride in the fact that he may _scream and scream until his throat starts to bleed_ but no matter what they do, he says nothing about his kids. He doesn't even know anything to say, but it's not like they care about that.

_Jim Kirk was fourteen, and by the time Starfleet came, he wasn't sure if he even wanted to survive anymore, except for his kids, and the fact that he couldn't turn down a dare (_I dare you_ to survive)._

* * *

><p>No one speaks the word <em>dare<em> to Jim for a long time, until he is a bit past twenty-two. Too long, he thinks.

He disappears from the hospital as soon as he can walk after Tarsus, and no one ever finds out who JT, savior of the kids of Tarsus IV, really is that didn't already know (_his aunt, uncle, and cousins were all dead, so that makes a grand total of _none at all).

JT is immortalized as a teenage hero. Jim's nightmares are unrivaled in any universe.

He travels the universe until he turns eighteen, living for the many different types of intoxicating drinks on alien planets and the thrill of a fight whenever he can get one. Then he makes his way home to Riverside, Iowa, and when he finds Frank in the first bar he enters, Jim grins and punches him in the face. (_See how you like it._)

He disappears into a bar every once in a while, and works as a mechanic in a shop in his spare time. Scratch that, Jim works as a mechanic every once in a while and spends almost all of his time in a bar.

But then he is suddenly two past twenty and Uhura practically dares him to get her first name _somehow_, and he didn't reckon on two dares in one night, even if only the second one is voiced out loud.

Jim recognizes Christopher Pike from the Starfleet ship that rescued him from Tarsus IV (can you call it a rescue when it's far too late?) although Pike had been no more than a lieutenant at the time, and to his dismay, Pike recognizes him, too.

(_"I couldn't believe it when the bartender told me who you were." "And who am I, Captain Pike?" "Your father's son."_)

Even at twenty-two, Jim doesn't trust anyone, but still his hobby is to do the impossible. (_I don't know that word._) But Pike doesn't say anything, and when he dares Jim—it's almost like he knows what a dare _means_—to do better than his father, Jim almost calls after him, _Haven't I already?_

But he doesn't and he can't refuse a dare. (_"Four years? I'll do it in three."_)

_Jim Kirk was twenty-two and drunk as hell, and he joined Starfleet on a dare and a bottle of liquor (and he'll find that it was the best choice he's ever made)._

* * *

><p>It's been three years, and Jim is twenty-five, and he tossed Tarsus into the dust of Riverside Shipyard when he boarded that shuttle, and dared himself to never look back. <em>Kirks are not cowards.<em>

It takes all of a week into class the first year for the Admirals of Starfleet to find out that George Kirk's son (that's all he is to them) has enlisted in the Academy, and the look on their faces when he is called before them is _priceless_. When they discover that he is taking not only the Command Track but Engineering, too, and that he plans to do it all in three years, it gets even better.

That look on their faces is just as good as a dare to actually _do_ the improbable task he's set for himself (_nothing is impossible_), and he shows up late to class and never studies, but Jim knows all the answers, and he passes every class with flying colors. The teachers aren't sure whether they hate or love him, and neither are the students.

Bones is his friend, the way Tom used to be—_oh, but he'd dared himself not to look back, so he didn't_—except better. Yeah, he's not a genius, but he puts up with Jim's bullshit and what's better, calls him on it like Tom never did.

And then there is the _Kobayashi Maru_, and that is a dare if Jim Kirk has ever seen one. The first time through, he is outraged. It is the first test he's ever failed, and he _does not_ plan to fail it again. He studies for the first time in his life, but it does no good. He fails.

Jim can't figure out what the test is supposed to do, except maybe teach new starship captains to give up before they've even fought a _little_. If giving up is what you're supposed to do, he figures, he's been breaking the rules since he was born out there in the black as his father died. May as well break another.

The Vulcan's raised eyebrow looks like a dare to Jim, but certainly not a friendly one. In fact, if Vulcans could be emotional, he would say it is hostile. Then there is the distress call, and Jim _can't_ _believe_ he's stuck to the ground, but he knew there was a reason Bones was his friend.

It's so obvious, he can hardly believe no one else figured it out, but he'll save this ship—it's got the two people in the world who give a damn about him on it—if he gets jettisoned into space for doing it. (_"This cadet is trying to save the bridge!" "By ordering a full stop during a rescue mission?"_)

The way the Vulcan says _"Based on what _facts_?"_ is a dare the way the Vulcans do them, and Jim will never turn down a dare—he's starting to wonder, though, if he sees a dare in everything.

But things happen, Jim decides Sulu is a kickass swordsman, and Vulcan disintegrating is horrible, but Spock (the Vulcan has a name now) won't listen to reason the way Jim sees it; and he _does_ get himself jettisoned into space for his effort. The way the older Spock raises his eyebrow still looks like a dare, but in a different way, and yes, Jim believes him after the mind meld, because no one can feel that much _raw pain_ and have it be fake.

It's more than Jim could possibly hope to get back onto the Enterprise, but thanks to Scotty and Old Spock, there they are back on the bridge, and Scotty still needs a towel, and Jim can hardly believe what he's about to do. He will regret what he has to do to get Spock out of the chair, but it _was _the stupid Vulcan's own idea, anyway.

Chekov is a genius, too, (_almost as smart_) and really, it doesn't matter that he's only seventeen. It never mattered for Jim. Spock is _unbelievably_ cool with the fact that Jim just emotionally compromised him in front of the entire bridge crew, and also with the fact that their plan has hardly a chance of succeeding.

Even at twenty-five, telling Jim what the odds are is just another dare for him. The plan works, of course. That's good. The fact that he can keep the Captaincy is even better.

_Jim Kirk was twenty-five, and he became the youngest Captain ever, all because of a dare (but really, it was because of about seven dares put together; one wasn't enough anymore)._

* * *

><p>Jim is <em>Captain Kirk<em> now, and six months older, but not a day wiser, and his luck runs out at Nibiru. It was _Spock's_ _idea_ _in the first place_, but if Jim says that, he'll look like a whiny kindergartner, so he doesn't. To make matters worse, Spock doesn't even see why Jim went back for him.

Jim is demoted and Spock is reassigned and Pike is dead and if Jim gets his way, John Harrison will be, too.

Jim does get his way, or he thinks he does, and neither Spock _("It is my duty as First Officer to advise you."_) nor Bones (_"We're firing missiles at the Klingons?"_) nor Scotty (_"Do ye accept my resignation or not?"_) is helpful in the least, but he _will_ have Harrison's head and nothing will stop him.

Yes, he punches him over and over again, but Harrison _deserves_ it. He deserves it like Jim himself never really did. But then it's not Harrison, it's Khan, and when Khan asks if there is _anything he wouldn't do for his family_, Jim resists the urge to tell him that _he has no family. _

He does, he realizes, if a crew counts as a family; but they might, because Jim Kirk _would_ do anything for them.

Khan dares him to go behind Jupiter, and he can't do it himself, so he enlists Scotty to do it for him. Scotty didn't deserve to have his resignation accepted, but there's no time to regret it now. Everything blurs together into a big mess of worry (_that he isn't good enough, that he'll do everything wrong, that it will be his fault_).

And then there's Admiral Marcus, and nothing Jim can do is enough to save his crew, and it _is_ his fault. (_"A ship can't go down without her captain."_)

And all he can say is

_I'm sorry._

And it's not enough.

But Scotty comes through, and everything is a blur until he nearly dies again (_and yes, he did lose track a long, _long_ time ago_) but Khan saves him and then he nearly dies by Khan's hand anyway. Jim and Scotty are beamed back onto the Enterprise, and everything starts to go wrong—well, even wronger than before, if that could even be possible.

And then the ship—_his ship!_—is dead, dead and gone, but that is a _dare,_ a real, burning, dare such as the type he hasn't tasted for too long. Khan's words echo in his ears, and they, too, sound like a dare to him, and _is there anything he would not do for his family? _

_Kirks are not cowards. _I _am not a coward._

And it burns.

Burns like acid and poison and despair and raw failure (if ever he can't fail, it's _now_) but there really isn't a word anywhere in any of the fourteen languages he knows to describe it. Not even Kodos comes anywhere close to this. Jim discovers quickly that he does not like dying.

But this…this is the ultimate dare. The test he can only take once, the chance to make Pike proud.

(_"You used what he wanted against him. That's a good move." _

_"__It is what you would have done."_

_"__And this…this is what you would have done."_)

(_"I want you to know why I came back for you. Why I couldn't let you die."_

_"__Because…you are my friend."_)

(_"How do you choose…not to feel?"_

_"__I do not know. Right now, I am failing."_)

Everything goes dark, and the last thing he hears is

"_KKKKKHHHHAAAAAAAAAN!_"

Even at twenty-five and a half, Jim trembles at the sound, and the world does, too.

_Jim Kirk was only six months past twenty-five years old, and he did everything_ _for his family. He would have even if it was not a dare._

* * *

><p>When he wakes, Jim does not know that it is almost a month later.<p>

He does not know that the universe knows how much he would give up for the people on his ship.  
>He does not know that the universe admires him for it.<br>He does not know that every person on his ship would do the same for him in a heartbeat.

The first one he sees is Bones, who berates him for _being so stupid_. Then Spock, who tells him _he saved the ship_. Uhura comes next, who almost slaps him, but doesn't because she's so busy hugging him and crying that _he was dead_. Sulu and Chekov arrive at the same time and stand awkwardly wringing their hands and stumbling over their congratulations that _he's not dead anymore_. Scotty shows up last, shamefaced and driven by guilt that _it was his fault_.

_Yes_, he was stupid, but he did end up saving the ship, and even if he was dead, he's not now, and it wasn't anyone's damn fault but his own, so _stop kicking yourself, Scotty_. It wasn't their fault that Jim would never refuse a dare.

It is two months later that Jim is fully recovered, and when he steps out of the Starfleet hospital, the hundreds of press and public gathered right outside the doors fall silent for a moment as his command crew fills in the space behind him. The silence is deafening in the morning sunlight, but the applause that follows is even more so.

Yeah, Jim Kirk would probably die from a dare someday, but even now, he survives, thrives, _lives_ on them, and what's more, he knows it.

* * *

><p>Dares.<p>

If James T. Kirk had a weak spot, a fault, it was never refusing a dare in his life. But it may also have been his greatest advantage and quality, because Kirks are not cowards, and _impossible_?

_I don't know that word._


End file.
